Monday, December 22, 2014

Blogmas Day 22: Why I'm Up Late

Hello friends! In one hour it'll be Christmas Eve Eve which is so hard to wrap my head around. I know I say this every day, but the big day really snuck up on me this year. Luckily my gifts are wrapped and my spirits are generally bright, but where did the time go? Before I know it I'll be heading back to school and starting another dreaded semester. That's still a few weeks in the distance though, so for now I can forget about my looming science classes from hell. For now let's talk about why Blogmas always goes up so late.

I got into the habit of posting late at night a few days before I came home for break, simply because with the whirlwind that is finals, packing, and checking freshmen out of their dorm rooms, I would only find myself with half an hour to spare right before bed. It kind of stuck though: somewhere along the line, I started working Blogmas into my late night routine, the first task in a series of hours spent awake.

Something about being home turns me into a nocturnal creature. It happens every time I come back to my parents' house, whether it's for a weekend or for weeks at a time. When I'm at school, I tend to get to bed around midnight or one AM at the latest, but in my childhood bedroom my eyes don't even begin to feel heavy until 3 in the morning. And I acknowledge that's a terrible habit--trust me the bags under my eyes are proof enough--but it's a habit I just can't seem to kick. I find myself awake all hours of the night going down the weird rabbit holes of the internet that only really seem like a good idea when all the lights are off and I'm burrowed under pillows. And no, before your mind goes straight into the gutter, I'm not talking about porn. I'm talking about "oh...I should watch all of Hilary Duff's music videos from the early 2000s and then see if DisneyChannel.com still has those That's So Raven themed games I used to love." Random trips down memory lane accompanied by bedsheets and a midnight snack.

When I'm not wading through nostalgia though, late nights are reserved for the thoughts I'm don't address during the day. It's when I think about what I want out of life and when I panic about not being able to achieve my dreams. It's when I wonder why I'm single and why my bank balance is less than favorable. It's when I rehash old arguments and rethink old decisions. It's when I wish I had said something different and write a list of things I want to say to people who aren't around to hear it. When I'm about waist-deep in embarrassing memories and remembered regrets, I'll usually turn to Netflix or get some ice cream from the freezer downstairs, pretending like those thoughts never resounded in my head. I know: I have a very healthy way of coping with my problems.

And this would all be fine if it didn't impede on my ability to be productive during the day. The problem with staying up all night is I tend to sleep all day--right now I wake up around eleven AM at the earliest. Tangled up in blankets, I realize half the day is gone and the world is being productive without me. So I'll try to get out of bed and give back to the universe--go to the gym, run some errands for my mom, clean my room...but then before I know it it's 6 PM and I'm napping again. And of course I am on winter break, but I hate feeling like I'm not contributing to the world. The first day of break it was fun to tell myself "today has been cancelled, go back to bed," but at some point I can't help but feel like a freeloader.

And of course I could've gotten a seasonal job over the break to keep myself occupied, but I told myself I deserved a break and that I would use this month off to pursue my creative endeavors. I told myself I would read two books a week and write poetry and build my portfolio, yet here we are: all I can say for myself thus far is if I continue at my current rate, I'm due to finish The Office by Saturday. That's hardly an achievement.

So what's my point? I don't know. I guess I'm just frustrated with myself. I guess I wish life would slow down. Most of all I just want my sleep schedule to readjust. One day at a time, guys.

“I've always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.”  -David Benioff

I'll see y'all tomorrow!

x,
Lauren

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