Tuesday, February 17, 2015

I'm SAD

It's been a little while, hasn't it? I think I'm in this really bad habit of only blogging every few weeks, which isn't great. I'm also in this really bad habit of starting off every blog post by talking about how I've been gone for so long. So as to not play too much into monotony, on with the post.

Guys, I'm SAD. Not "sad," but S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder. Scientists have proved it to be a real thing, and I'm a prime example. Without going in to too much detail about the chemicals and neurons in the brain (because I don't know anything about that stuff), basically all I can tell you is it's cold out and it's making me a little depressed. It's been worse in winters past, but I'm definitely starting to feel the effects.

Every winter, around mid-to-late February, I just feel down on my luck. The culmination of being alone on Valentine's Day and frigid temperatures always seems to be the perfect recipe to bum me out. And no, it's not full on "lying in bed for hours on end wishing I weren't a person" depression--because I've been there and I can tell you that's one million times worse--but it's that type of bad mood you can't shake off. That bad mood that allows you to have good experiences and lets you laugh with your friends and lets you go about your daily life while it lingers in the air. Like no matter how good everything's going, you're always tired and lonely and a little bit grumpy. Because all you want to do is feel the sun on your shoulders, but it's below freezing outside. You want to wake up early and greet the sun, but the sun still is hibernating when your alarm clock sounds in the morning. So really it's not totally debilitating, the whole SAD situation, but it's just enough of a bummer to ruin a few perfectly good days.

Today is one of those ruined days that didn't have to turn out as poorly as it did. On paper, all was well: I hung out with awesome friends and had Chipotle for dinner and got to relish in a college-wide snow day. But my brain just kept telling me I wasn't allowed to be happy. I just kept obsessing over what I don't like about the girl in the mirror and people who may or may not like me. I whined and complained to anyone who would listen and I could actually feel myself being annoying to those I love most. It's like there's this switch that's stuck in "bad mood," and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to flip my state of mind. I'm making the conscious effort to feel happy and alive, but right now I can't help but feel neglected and misunderstood.

That's maybe not a bad thing though; sometimes we just have those days. Those "sad for no reason" moods. I'm just praying to any deity who will listen that this isn't the first day in a string of S.A.D. days. I'm just hoping that tomorrow I'll wake up totally renewed and ready to conquer the world. I'm wishing for the affection I want and the reassurance I need. I'm trying not to dwell too much on one bad day and to keep the unnecessary tears at bay.

Anyway guys, I know this isn't the nicest or most endearing way to return to this blog. I'm sure you were hoping for something a little more upbeat--I'm sure you didn't come here to read a page from my diary. Sometimes this type of catharsis is necessary though. Thank you so much for your patience.

x,
Lauren